Determiners
I am anxious. I am living a life with a current pattern. It is a pattern of chaos. What I am longing for is a life of order. Yet, I am never able to put myself through a regime for long. Not because I get bored but because I lose the sense of direction. “Where was I headed?” I lose my true north when I put myself into a fixed pattern.
A known pattern is not enough, therefore. Chaos is needed to keep the momentum of life. In physics, chaos is a determined system. It does not have a pattern at the beginning. But there are few facts that determine the very first move, and the moves that follow afterward.
Through the dynamic movements of these determiners, a pattern emerges — one that is alive.
What I desire, therefore, are these determiners in my life. Determiners like me internalizing the value of time, for instance. If I move beyond just the knowledge of the value of time and know it by heart, I have a determiner that guides my chaotic life.
In practical life, this would translate to me living out my priorities and not just writing them down in a diary or follow them as external rules. And when this happens, I also have the inherent knowledge of when to change my priorities, instead of being a fanatic about what needs to be done first.
In diabolic the conflict of order versus chaos, I realize, I order is found in the chaos, somewhat like an oxymoron.
